“Can I at least break xir nose?”

X didn’t even look up. “No.”

“You used to be more fun.”

“Y…”

“Fine! I get it! No murdering, maiming, or minorly inconveniencing!”

“If you stab me,” xe warns “I will bite you.”

“That- that doesn’t seem like a good idea, if you’ve just been stabbed.”

Xe frowns “Okay, good point. If you stab me, I will go get treated and wait until the wounds can take a bit of exercise, and then I will hunt you down and bite you.”

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“Do you ever have the overwhelming urge to just…whack someone over the head with a chair?”

X’s response was cut off by a chair smashing over their head.

“We’re not going to hurt you.”

“I am. I am definitely going to hurt you.”

“[X], no!”

“[X] yes!” says [X] “Violence is definitely the answer, in this case.”

“I’m not going to fight you.”

“Sounds like a you problem.” xe says, putting xir fists up.

“Let’s get physical.”

“Uh.”

[Speaker one] punches [Speaker two] in the solar plexus.

“I need you to punch me in the face.”

“Wha-”

“Oh boy!” xe chirps, leaping over the couch and decking [speaker one] in the face as hard as possible

“You speak too loudly and too often,” the warrior-monarch growled, raising xir weapon in xir captor’s direction. “Perhaps you would have been better company without a tongue.”

“Hey,”

“Hey! How you been?”

“Same old, same old. Yesterday, I ate both of my parents as an engagement gift from my fiance, so that was new.”

“There’s blood on your shirt.”

“Oh. Sorry, I’m… on my period.”

“Given the blood is on your collar, i certainly hope that’s not what it is. Did you really pick a fight with that weirdo for flirting with the waitstaff?”

“That wasn’t flirting, that was harassment! And I didn’t pick a fight I just hit xir like, eight times. And then xe bled on me.”