Lmao Did You Think I Forgot
other posts here (healthy) and here (unhealthy)
This is going to be Long
(i think there will be at least 2 more parts to this series oh god)
Disclaimer: This is meant to be a resource for writing, it is not a real life guide. I do not study or work in a field about abuse and I didn’t grow up in an abusive household. I did not cover every aspect of an abusive family in this tut since it would be SO LONG
In a healthy family, all members should feel safe with one another. In an unhealthy family, members should still feel safe, but with a terms and conditions asterisk. In an abusive family, the primary emotion should probably be fear.
Abusive families are not always abusive all of the time! There may be good periods where the abuser is kind and sweet, puts a lot of money and effort into helping the abused, and times where things seem to be all right. This does not mean that the abusive situation is not abusive! It just means there was a lull to lower the defenses of the abused, and make it more difficult to turn them in or leave since the abuser can ‘be so sweet’.
Before we get into my tutorial, here’s a shitton of articles
this ones a good starter
this one is a great checklist of abusive behaviours
heres a primer on emotional abuse
here’s a masterlist of some different articles
this ones on some types of overlooked emotional& verbal abuse
here’s a list on types of physical abuse
here’s a master list on kinds of sexual abuse
Let’s start off with physical abuse.
I’m going to cover three main areas- actual violence, denial of shelter, and denial of food
Violence towards a person includes things like hitting or spanking, but also throwing things, forcing someone to stay outside in strong sunlight or bitter cold for too long, playing loud music at all hours to deprive someone of sleep, or any sort of action that deals direct damage to ones body and brain.
Being hit or kicked or having things thrown at you is not normal. Regular physical punishment such as being slapped or kicked is one of the hallmarks of an abusive parent or partner, and is not okay.
But physical abuse goes beyond just punching and kicking, and can include someone throwing things, especially glass, near or at a person, someone keeping a another person outside without proper attire in the cold or direct sunlight, refusing to acknowledge or accommodate ones allergies, or hiding or tampering with medication. This is especially common with birth control pills in an abusive partnership
Denial of shelter is more common when the abuser is a parent. They might set a curfew for 7 o clock, and when the child doesn’t make it home in time, they’ll refuse to allow them in the house. That means the child will have to stay outside all night with whatever they have with them.
Denial of food is kind of obvious. This can tie in with allergies- refusing to stock or cook foods that the other person can eat because theyre more expensive, or its too much trouble. This can also tie in with emotional abuse, when the abuser encourages one to diet unhealthy, shames another person for their weight or eating habits, or encourages a person to purge after eating.
Sexual abuse is another kind of abuse that can be perpetrated against the children, partner, or elderly people within the care of the abuser. I don’t feel like I can do the topic justice for the purposes of this tutorial, and may do a specific tutorial in the future if people feel it would be helpful. There’s an article linked above to start you guys off if it’s something you’re interested in writing about.
Emotional abuse is a tricky monster, and pretty complex, so I’m going to touch on a few types and situations that I think are quite important
Abusers will often destroy the property of their partner or children. It will only ever be their property, not the abusers, and the abuser will not help clean up. this can be done to intimidate the abused and make them very afraid of inciting rage in the abuser
Gaslighting is a kind of emotional abuse where the abuser will attempt to get the abused to question their sanity by denying their actions. “I’ve never broken your things! You’re crazy- you must be blaming me for your own clumsiness’ that sort of thing. This can also crop up when the abuser does a behaviour or activity (staying out all night without any notice) and it’s perfectly fine! But the abused forgets to check in at the set time and its an unforgivable sin.
Abusive families also crop up when the abused is disabled, mentally ill, or queer. Disabled members may be denied medical attention or medication. mentally ill people may be taunted or purposefully triggered for the amusement of the abuser. Queer people may grow up in families with incredibly homophobic values, and may deal with the threat of physical violence or homelessness upon coming out or being exposed by someone else.
There is so much i could write on this subject, but I think this is a pretty good start. Gosh.