“What’s wrong?”

“What isn’t?” xe frowns “We’re all going to die.”

“We’re not,” ze rolls zir eyes “Don’t be so fatalistic. So the world outside is full of zombies trying to eat us alive. None of us have been bitten yet.”

“About that,” xe says.

“I think,” says the zombie “That when I go somewhere instead of saying ‘hi’ people should say ‘press F to pay respects’ and then they flip me off.”

“Shit,” xe yawns “Ugh, I’m such a zombie in the morning.”

“Dude!”

“Oh,” xe looks guiltily at the zombie “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything rude by it.”

“We good,” says the zombie “You got any grapes? I’m trying to feed my pigeon more fruits.”

“Alive?”

“Am I ever?” asks the zombie “I am, however, animate.”

“You’re kind of scary you know that?”

“….I’m literally a wraithe. My entire job is ‘scary’”

“You’re a complete trashcan of a human being.”

“I’m not human?”

“You’re a complete trash can of a person.”

“Yeah, fair.”

“How are you feeling?” asks the therapist.

“Dead,” says the zombie “Full of birds. Also I went on a date last night.”

“You’re very sweet.”

“I’m really not.” says the zombie “I taste mostly like decay.”

“You’re letting a pigeon live in your chest and you brought me chocolates. Face it, you’re a marshmallow.”

“I’m a corpse.” The zombie protests, blushing furiously “I’m a corpse with vermin in my chest.”

“Too late, your secret has been discovered.”

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“You okay?”

“No, I’m dying,” groans the zombie dramatically “This is clearly the worst thing to ever happen to me.”

“You’re so fucking stupid, you know that right?” xe curses “You didn’t have to take that shot, [X]. I would be fine. I heal better than you do, you fucking human.”

“I’m f- fine,” ze grins shakily “Just a shoulder shot. It would’ve hit you- you in the spine.”