“Why ‘the hero chosen by no one’? Why not ‘the hero chosen by xirself’?”

“Well,” says the hero chosen by no one “Because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t want me to be the hero, either. But who else is gonna do it?”

“Hey,” says the harbinger of the apocalypse “You here to kill me?”

“You will bring about the world’s end!”

“Nah,” says the harbinger “I’m just here to give you a warning. Ever hear of ‘don’t shoot the messenger’? Believe me, you’re going to want to have a messenger.”

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“You make it sound like there’s going to be a calamity if we don’t manage to kill this random ass person.” xe snorts “This just in, one dipshit isn’t going to cause the End Times. It’s like, two dozen dipshits with billions of dollars. Not some random ass fucker who can’t afford to replace xir shoes- look, they’ve been duct taped!”

”You know not who xe is-”

“Don’t care. Fix the Goddamn energy sector, then we’ll talk.”

“I’m going to kill you,” xe snarls “I’m going to rip you limb from limb!”

“Nah,” says the hero chosen by no one, skipping back “Pretty sure they plan is for you to die, actually.”

(things don’t always go to plan but)

(well, no ones managed to rip the hero’s limbs off yet so)

“Listen here, shitstick,” says the hero chosen by no one threateningly “I am the Hero chosen by-”

“No one. I know who you are.” says the royal guard, sounding exhausted

“Me! I am the hero chosen by me and I say I can pass.” says the hero because whoops there goes lying about being divine for privileges.

“If I let everyone who said they wanted to speak to the Royal Family pass just because they wanted to, I’d be out of a job.”

“Yeah, well I could always,” the hero breaks off and sprints for the castle gate.

“It’s just- you don’t really have the personality for heroism.” says xir friend “You know you’re very- you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” frowns the hero chosen by no one “I’m nice! My entire business module is ‘hey! need a favour?’”

“You’re very- brash. And sarcastic. kind of rude. Last week you called the high priestex ‘Old Dude [X]’.”

“Ze’s old.”

“You’re a fool,” says the monster “You are not the Hero chosen by the Goddex. You have no hope against me.”

“I don’t need hope, dipshit!” shouts the hero chosen by no one “I have homicdal rage and a big fucking knife!”

“Do I look like the kind of fool who just does things because someone asked me too?”

“Dude, you literally decided to become the prophesied hero despite like, being a sandy merchant gremlin, because the actual hero was dead and you were like ‘well why not’.”

“I know I’m not the one you want.” says the hero chosen by no one “You’re waiting for xir, for the hero chosen by the goddex. The one who wielded you during the End. But xe’s not coming.”

The sword gleams dully in the fading light. The not-hero swallows nervously.

“I’m not xir. But I am here.” ze says, closing a hand around the hilt “Is that enough?”

“You’re going to get yourself killed,” says the princex “Only the hero chosen by the goddex can-”

“Yeah? Well xe’s dead,” says the hero chosen by no one “I’m not. I’m here. I’m going to do my fucking best and I’ll die knowing I tried. What are you doing, huh? Waiting? Hoping someone else will do something?”

The princex gives zir an assessing look “You mean to go through with this.”

“I’m not here to fuck spiders, am I?”