oh man,,, more romance,,, i am,, So Good, ,,a,,,,, at the Romans™
–
“Who’s a good boy?!?!”
“It’s me. You’re a literal demon. I am the good boy in this relationship.”
-”So like, are you a furry, or am I a scaley?”
“…What?”
“Which one of us is the gross one, [X]?”
romance yes
i know what romance is
-”Your costume makes your thighs look huge.” says the villain.
“You know what they say, bitch, thick thigh save lives,” snaps the hero “And that’s the whole point!”
-”Why are you at a concert anyway?”
“Well,” says the villain awkwardly “I overheard you talking to [different hero] about how expensive the tickets are so i figured if i crashed it you could just come anyway’“
hyeck yeck
-”Listen, if we are going to make this work, you need to hide your paraphernalia.”
“It’s not a bong, it’s illegal documents-”
“Paraphernalia.”
-”I can’t believe you stole my handcuffs! What the hell?”
“I needed them.”
“To commit crimes with?”
“For sex, dude. I might be a criminal, but-”
“Stop. Stop right there.”
-”I thought criminals were supposed to be rich?”
“Depends- rent’s too high for riches. I thought cops were supposed to arrest criminals, not live with them?”
“Rent’s too high.”
-”I’ll let you go on the condition that you do the dishes.”
“I hate doing the dishes.”
-”DIE IN A HOLE YOU TWISTED MOTHERFUCKER!”
“Yes mom that’s my roommate. Xe’s a cop. Xe’s playing video games.”
“PIG EATING SHIT FUCKER.”
-”Can you please not commit any crimes today, by the way. I think my supervisor’s getting suspicious.”
The criminal laughs unconvincingly, putting zir lockpicks under zir hat.
-”Fuck. Why are you here.”
“Hello there mx. criminal. What the fuck happening to vacuuming the apartment.”
-”I can’t believe this is what my life has come too. Rooming with a cop.”
“I’m not exactly thrilled either.”
-”Are you seriously suggesting a White Collar marathon as a bonding activity.”
“Do it for the memes. For the irony.”
heck yeah
xe/xir for the hero and ze/zir for the king. why not he/his? B.c i forgot king was a gendered title and i already had them down
(also the hero? gryffindor. I’m calling it. Xe’s literally neville.)
also this is much funnier if you’re assuming all of these prompts happen in the same universe
-The hero wheezed on every inhale, shaking down to xir very bones. But xe stood tall and fast through xir trembling and xe gazed the mad king in the eyes and said “I am afraid of you. And I will defeat you anyways, you mad bastard, because I am greater than you could ever be.”
-”You? You come to stop me?” the King booms “This weak, cowering worm is the dreaded [hero’s badass mother fucking title y’all]?”
The hero straightened xir shoulders and snarled, shaking fingers clasped tight around the hilt of xir sword. Xe could do this.
-”Oh shit!” screeched the hero, barely blocking the tyrant King’s sword “mother fucker!!! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-”
“Do you always speak so foully?” snarls the King as ze presses down on the hero’s crumbling defenses
“Fuck you!” spits the hero, knocking the king back, and fleeing (wailing like a banshee, and spitting curses foul enough to curdle the King’s blood).
-”I’m not afraid.” says the hero, literally on the verge of pissing xirself out of terror.
-”You could be so much more than this.” the King purrs, striding closer to the frozen hero. “Think about the things you could do if you got over that ridiculous anxiety.”
“And you think you can help me?” squeaks the hero angrily. Asshole. Who does this bastard think he is? As soon as xir joints stop icing over with terror, xe’s gonna shove xir sword into the pig bastards nasty throat.
-”Suck my dick!” screams the hero, hacking away at what’s left of the guard “Fuck! Why is it so dark! Fucking fuck!”
“Would you like a light?” comes the disembodied voice of the tyrant King.
“Oh shit I skipped my last diplomacy lesson-”
-”Wait-” says the hero “Wait a minute. You- I’m. Uhm- any chance I can, like, leave and come back and try again?”
-”A little child, shaking in xir armor has never been a threat.” says the King to the undercover hero “I wouldn’t prepare for a fly threatening to buzz by my ear, I won’t arm my guard for a whiny idealist infant.”
-”You’re a fool if you think you can stop the king.”
“You’re a coward if you don’t help me try.”
“Says you, little crybaby-”
“But I don’t stop and let things happen! I’m afraid, so what. I fight. Unlike you.”
-”Oh my god. Can we like, not. Fight.” says the hero, pulling into a ready position “Because I am so not ready. Ever. Please.”
“Prepare yourself, fool.”
“Fucking hell, listen to me when I speak.”
Thank you for the trade dear anon! Some of these are really mean whoops.
-”Get fucked, you old yogurt container.”
-”Do you even have moral integrity, or is there just a burning vat of oil where a thought should be?”
-”You’re a useless dollar store dishrag.”
-”There’s no point in continuing an argument with a plebeian tree shark like yourself.”
–
“God, it’s tough to argue with someone who sounds like they’re on the verge of puking every time they open their mouth.”
-”Source?”
-”It’s almost impossible to listen to you- are you sure you aren’t secretly a shrieking eel?”
-”You should be proud- how long have you worked to get so unbearable?”
-”Fuck you, you fucking tree fungus fucker.”
Of course you can ask!!! I’m so sorry this took so long aa
-”I just don’t get why you go charging into everything!” the thief snaps, pressing a wet cloth to the pirates wounded shoulder “Some subtlety wouldn’t kill you!”
-”They say old gods go to die in the ocean, a final resting place for everything divine, holy and unholy.”
“I’ve never believed in gods. Money moves things much faster along than a childish prayer.”
-”You gave up your job for me.”
“You make it sound so soppy- you’re a better long term investment than a handful of jewels, is all. Just business”
-”You look good in my colours.”
“Why Captain, are you flirting with me?”
-The thief wasn’t much of a brawler, but xe was more than prepared to take a sword to the gut if it meant giving the pirate an opening.
-”You stupid little foo!” the pirate growls “No mark is worth your life.”
“You know nothing about capitalism.” the thief wheezes
-”So what the fuck is with the eyepatch, then, if you aren’t blinded.”
“So I can move it to the other eye when I need to see in the dark.”
“Sounds like bullshit trickery.”
– “Let’s see if we can make it down there without dying.”
“Important clarification, Captain.”
“Stop calling me that.”
-”Anyway, I got your weaponry and the citrus you wanted.”
“And five dogs?”
“No, those are for me. Hands off the dogs.”
Corvidprompts 