“How do you accidentally end up married to a supervillain?”

“Okay, long story short, it wasn’t my fault, they started it, I’ve never lost a game of gay chicken in my life and I wasn’t about to start now.”

“I have some opinions on how dragons and humans would reproduce,” announces Z, muffled under blankets, at approximately 2:25 AM.

“Keep it to your private blog and don’t give me the password,” Y says. “Also, shut up, I have work tomorrow.”

“Tasteful, sexy opinions,” Z mutters, sulkily.

“What I don’t understand,” X said, at approximately 2 am, and was interrupted by a sleepy groan of exasperation. Undeterred, xe continued: “What I don’t understand is how dragonborns even exist. Like, logistically, how do a dragon and a human have a baby?”

“First of all, I hate you. Second, they don’t exist, they were made up by Dungeons and Dragons. Third, that’s not even how dragonborns work, dumbass, go to sleep.”

The monstrous knight crawls toward the ruler on hir knees, bottomless dark eyes weeping ichor. 

“Please – let me be yours, let me be your weapon, wield me, point me, use me, own me, just do not abandon me without a purpose, I could not bear it, my liege, please,” ze begs, and bends down to kiss the hem of xir cloak. 

The ruler stops hir, and xir eyes are wet. “I can’t own you,” xe says, and the knight keens, recoiling. “You’re a person, not a thing, I can’t own you.”

“This,” the oracle announces gravely. “Is our new destined ruler.”

The assorted heroes look upon their new liege.

“Far be it from me to doubt you,” one of them says, “But this is a fish.”

The catfish burbles. It is, to be fair, extremely large, but the fact that the catfish appears to be very excellent at being a catfish is hardly a qualification for running a government.

“So you know that thing that happens where you procrastinate a task so long that by the time you finally have the energy to do it, it’s easier to just shamefully pretend the task doesn’t exist?”

“What – are you saying you did that with your prophesied destiny to defeat the Dark Lord?”

I’m not not saying that.”

“You keep saying I’m disabled, like I’m missing something.”

“I mean, you’re blind.”

“I grew up in the vast and lovely dark of the underground. No one could see. I wasn’t disabled there, and I am only hampered here because you have built your kingdom to cater to the arbitrary dictates of light. What will you do, if the stars go out? I will be just fine.”

“Don’t you think you’ve baked enough? You’ve baked enough for everyone to have two of everything already.”

“But what if they want a third, X? What then?People just going hungry when I could have prevented it- Oh my god, I’m turning into my grandparent.”