Hi! It’s nice to hear from you again! It’s not like you haven’t been spouting hate at me on your blog (which is gone now), sending me emails blaming me and insulting me, and occasionally messaging me on anon.
To: my followers, I’m so sorry I’m putting drama on your dash but i am so so tired of this. please ignore this i’m just trying to end it.
Okay. Here is the the thing. You cannot demand forgiveness and friendship from me. I forgave you for pressuring me into being online all the time. I forgave you for guilting me for having a life. I forgave you for lashing out. I understand that you have anxiety and that I was your friend, but you cannot treat me like all I am there to do is to carry your emotions.
Let me tell you this sincerely: I forgive you for hurting me. I’m sorry my leaving hurt you. I’m sorry I caused you pain. I’m honest to god, so fucking sick over the thought of you hurting yourself. You are a creative person and capable of so much, and I’m so sorry to contribute to your pain.
But you did hurt me.
If I didn’t respond quickly enough, you would leave a message to make me feel guilt for not doing so. If I was offline for a day, everything you did or did not do, was on me. When I told you things, I was terrified you would bring them up again later to hurt me, or make me stay. I became afraid of seeing a message notification. You are not the only one with mental illness. I hurt myself over the things you said, but i never told you because i didn’t want to burden you. I made myself ill and made my headaches worse so i could notify you over an absence, but it wasn’t enough because I didn’t do it every time. it’s not fair. You did not treat me like a friend. We had good times, but that doesn’t excuse the bad. I’m sorry my leaving caused you pain. But I am not sorry for leaving.
A friendship doesn’t make your heart beat in your chest like an anxiety attack at the sight of a notification. A friendship does not involve blaming the other person, an entire country away, for not going to a firework show. A friendship does not involve one party neglecting xir family in order to be online and available. I’m sure i handled something wrong, that there could’ve been some way to make this better, and for that, I am sorry. I could’ve been better, but I did my very best.
I understand you have abandonment issues. I understand that completely. We talked about it. I offered to do my best, and asked for understanding that i am fallible, human, and that talking and being available is hard for me. You asked for everything I had to give and when that wasn’t enough, you asked for more.
But this isn’t about that.
This is about after. I said no more. I said I need space. You emailed me begging to come back and I am so sorry that I couldn’t, and that you were in pain, that you hurt yourself. I never meant to hurt you and i’m so sorry I did. I never wanted to cause you pain, that was why i tried so hard to carry it. When I didn’t respond to your email, you asked mutual friends to message me to ask me to come back, but I still wasn’t ready. I needed time. A month and a half later, message notifications still sent my heartbeat racing. I was terrified of disappointing people. I was working on helping myself. I blocked you on tumblr and in the discord chat, where i posted an extremely vague notice as to why you were blocked, and encouraged people to seek you out on tumblr or add you on discord as you wouldn’t be in the chat.
But, like before, when I couldn’t accommodate to your schedule, you became angry. I didn’t wish you a happy birthday and that was the breaking point i guess? I couldn’t forgive you, heal, and come back fast enough so I was free to slander and hate. you minimized your responsibility and maximized mine
you were salty because you were on your period so you sent me this? because i was on vacation (a fact you were aware of) and thus was offline for two days
i hate this. i hate bringing this up. i know you enjoyed talking with me, but treating an absence with this, not just this one time, but consistently, is not. okay.
But like I said. i forgive you for this.
I don’t forgive you for not allowing me my space. I don’t forgive you for posting hateful things on your blog with my name, publicly. You are the one who made this public. You couldn’t let me be so you tried to bring it into the spotlight. I confided in a friend about your behavior, and when they, unprompted, confronted you, you sent me more hateful emails, exaggerating their behavior, claiming they suicide baited you which they didn’t. They showed me screenshots. My guy, having anxiety and having abandonment issues isn’t an excuse to treat people like garbage. it isn’t an excuse for this
it isn’t an excuse to talk about someone like this, and then start a hate campaign
in case ur wondering, this is not an apology
this is a guilt trip. I know you were upset. I’m sorry I hurt you. but friendships don’t work because one person hollows themself out for the other
i don’t want anything from you my guy. I just want to be left alone. Let it go, if you had given me time, I would have come back. but this is too much. I’m done. Yes, when I see your messages i talk with people in server because you got them involved. Because I’m upset. Because I’m hurt. Sometimes I use humor to make it feel less sharp because this? This is not okay. I don’t know how you know anything about the server because you’re banned, but it’s private. I kept everything out of it for a long, long time. This is not okay. How can you think treating someone like this is how you earn forgiveness?
Please. Move on. Leave me alone. Make new friends. You are a wonderful, creative person with a lot to give. You’ll do fine. You just need to treat people better. I’m sorry I hurt you. I forgive you. Leave me alone.
To anyone not involved that read this: sorry for putting this on your dash. I was hoping they’d get the hint and leave me alone. You can unfollow if you think i’m in the wrong, I understand. I just want this to be over