“I am loyal.” hisses the vigilante to the head of the league “I have helped you gain ground in the turf war between [hero] and [villain] that was thought impossible to convert. I have done much to gain the trust of people.”

“Yes you have been very useful,” the leader agrees “An excellent tool. But you are becoming willful.”

“So that’s it.” xe says, bitter “I’m a person. And you don’t need that. I thought we were supposed to be better than [Villain].”

“You are,” agrees the head “We are not.”

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“What did you do to me?” asks the hero, more than little desperate

“You’re my greatest creation.” says xir parent dispassionately “I wasn’t approved for human trials, you know. But no one cares what parents do to their children.”

“You need to stop, man. You;re going to get yourself killed.” says the vigilante “At this point you’re basically doing [Villain]’s job for xir.”

“Crime never sleeps,” says the hero “I’m just-”

“Exhausting yourself? Why don’t you work a white collar crime case for once, leave the street criminals alone.” the vigilante shoots the hero a blinding grin “Unless you think embezzling millions of dollars isn’t as big a deal as stealing a car.”

“Let me tell you a story,” says the vigilante “Okay?”

“Sure,” says the hero, a little confused “What’s up?”

“Once upon a time, there was a family, with a baby they probably loved.” says the vigilante. Xir voice is dead. “And then one day the baby disappeared. And they never found out what happened.”

“[Vigilante]-”

“I don’t remember them. Do you think- Do you think they might be waiting for me?”

“You lived only because I allowed it.” says the villain “You lived because I decided you would.”

The hero’s sidekick snarls. Xe doesn’t actually answer.

“You didn’t save yourself.” says the villain “And [Hero] didn’t save you, either. I did.”

“You look… vaguely alive.” the sidekick twists zir face up in a grimace.

“Gee, shucks, you sure know how to flatter a bird.” croaks the hero. Vaguely alive is a good descriptor-  [Villain] had dropped an entire subway station on xir, because [Villain] is a bitch and won’t be paying taxes to fix it. 

“You make it real damn hard to be your friend, you know that?” the hero sniffs, sits next to the vigilante “Why did you kill all those people?”

“They were bad people. They deserved it.” xe mutters defensively. Xe’s not looking at the hero “Why do you care anyway.”

“I’m supposed to save people. Hey,” says the hero, reaching out to touch the vigilante’s shoulder “That includes you, you know? Given how much killing people weighs on you.”

“What’s up.” says the hero, sliding down the railing instead of using the stairs like a normal person “You busy today?”

“Uhm,” says the sidekick “No, of course not.”

“Rad, I need help stealing a goat.” says the hero, nodding like this makes perfect sense “We’re going to put it in a dress and mail it to [Villain].”

“Why?”

“Xe was into Undertale when we were kids and I want that to haunt xir forever.”

“I’m having a baby.” says the villain.

The villain’s sidekick blinks “Uh, okay, so how does maternity leave-”

“It’s you.” the villain says, slamming down a pad of adoption papers “Sign here.”

“You’re unimpressive, weak, and uninspired.” the villain sniffs “A weak hero in all respects.”

“Wow, rude,” says the hero, pouting “I knit this sweater all by myself.”

“Why are you not wearing kevlar?”