“Okay, okay. Here’s my final offer. I’ll give you a massage for 25 million dollars, and 69 cents.”

“Okay, first of all, I don’t even like massages-”

“How can you not like massages??”

“And second of all, why are you like this as a person??”

“I want large quantities of money for a relatively low labor cost.

“I’m not a plumber.”

“I know. Last time you tried to unblock the kitchen sink, you flooded half the house.”

“Nothing matters but you and I.”

“You know what else matters? Dogs.”

“Shit,” xe yawns “Ugh, I’m such a zombie in the morning.”

“Dude!”

“Oh,” xe looks guiltily at the zombie “Sorry, I didn’t mean anything rude by it.”

“We good,” says the zombie “You got any grapes? I’m trying to feed my pigeon more fruits.”

“I’d like to think we have higher standards than that.”

“Yes, our standards are higher than a cockroach’s ankles.”

“It took xir forever to learn how to walk when you were a baby, did you know that?”

X groaned and buried xir face in xir hands. “Parent, I’m sure Y doesn’t want to hear about -”

“No, go on,” xir datemate said, grinning. “This sounds interesting.”

“You’re in danger.”

“Ooh, festive!”

“Oh my God why did I marry you?”

“Tax benefits.”

“I’m gonna drag you assholes back to life whether you want me to or not. Live, bitch.”

“I thought you were going to say Love Más.”

“Except for you. You can stay dead “

“Everyone calm down, nothing bad is going to happen to any of us! Except [X], because [X] is awful and deserves it.”