“Are you serious?” ey demanded, hands on hips. “All over the salad bar?”

The clash raged across the countryside, staining the sky black and carving fissures and scars into the earth beneath their feet as they howled and screamed, hurling eldritch power at one another like it was nothing, caring not for the mortals below. The twin creatures from beyond the heavens scored deep wounds and yet did not stop.

One of the unlucky folk below could have sworn xe heard one of them howl, “It was my turn with the TV!”

Advertisement

 

“C-sections.” say the soon to be parent “It’s not delivery- it’s digiorno!”

“Are you sure you’re not the father,” asks xir partner wryly “That was terrible.”

“Gender is a lie. Like trigonometry.” says the mathematician “Your homework is to figure out a formula for calculating gender based on anything but the human body.”

“What the fuck,” say the students.

“Okay, pro-tip — type B positive does not go well with lemon squares. Does anyone have water?”

“Are. Are you talking about blood?”

“Eat my ass.”

“Says the assless person.”

“Feed me.”

“FUCK- what are you doing in my house??”

“[X] said you made cookies. I want cookies. Please. [Y]. Please. [Y], cookies!!”

“MotherFUCKER!”

“Nope, I’ve never met either of your parents.”

“I think,” says the zombie “That when I go somewhere instead of saying ‘hi’ people should say ‘press F to pay respects’ and then they flip me off.”

“You’re a mess!”

“I’m an entire dumpster.”