“Haven’t you ever died for something before?”

“No? I’m still standing here, aren’t I?”

“Oh right, I forgot your kind were like that.”

“So, I may have made a slight miscalculation.”

“‘Slight miscalculation’ like forgot to set the timer and the biscuits are probably burned or ‘slight miscalculation’ like we’re all going to get blown to high heavens if we don’t drop everything and fix it right now?”

“Welllll…”

Advertisement

“I am tired, I am gay, and you can tear my cringey, terrible jokes from my cold, dead hands.”

“How the hells did we end up here? I mean, I’m not complaining,” complained the chosen hero. “But I’m really not cut out for babysitting.”

“Oh lighten up,” xir partner laughed, cooing at the infant deity in hir arms. “Isn’t this supposed to be the next avatar of your goddex, anyway?”

“It’s the end of the world, as we know it, and I feel -”

“Like death because I’m stuck working with a bunch of fools, lets get going.”

“You’re so… Inadequate.”

“Ok, so, I’m gonna need you to do me a solid here, and shut the fuck up.”

“You have a purpose in this world,” the golden goddex promised. “You need only follow my guidance.”

“I do have a purpose,” retorted the hero unchosen, the goddex’s sword firmly in xir grasp. “You, however, have none. Begone.”

“When they no longer need you, they’ll toss you away,” murmured the shadows in xir ear. “That’s what they do with tools that no longer serve their purpose. And that’s all you’ll ever be to them.”

Xe scoffed. “You think I don’t know that? You’d do the same, given the chance.”

“Ask for help then?”

“The ability to seek assistance was never written into my programming.”

“What are you even doing? Nobody wants this.”

“Well, I suppose I’m in luck, because nobody is exactly the audience this is catered toward.”