“What about tears?” the asexual asked curiously. “Do those work?”

“Literally just buy salt,” the spirit signed. “Please. I’m begging you.”

“I would like you to know that you are very loved.”

“Kthx.

“And that I care for you. Deeply.”

“Sounds rad.”

“[X]- I’m trying to say-”

“I’m aromantic.”

“You know, one day you’re going to miss me.”

The asexual glowered at the elder god as xe cleaned the blood out of xir pillowcase. “I seriously fucking doubt it.”

“I feel love in this chili’s tonight.”

“We’re all literally in hell, and you’re so aromantic you missed that [X] was flirting when xe literally said ‘would you like to go on a date with me’.”

“First of all, this isn’t about me and my faults. Secondly I- wait, we’re in hell?”

“Yes? How did you miss that??”

“I’m pagan I thought you were being sarcastic.”

“I feel love in this chili’s tonight.”

“We’re all literally in hell, and you’re so aromantic you missed that [X] was flirting when xe literally said ‘would you like to go on a date with me’.”

“First of all, this isn’t about me and my faults. Secondly I- wait, we’re in hell?”

“Yes? How did you miss that??”

“I’m pagan I thought you were being sarcastic.”

“Why are you…” the botanist waved a hand at the asexual. “That?”

The asexual sighed. “Do you mean ‘talking to thin air’, ‘wearing two-day-old clothes’, or ‘hauling around a cauldron’?”

“I was kind of referring to being covered in blood, but those are good questions too.”

“Do you think you could ever love me?”

“…Nnnno? That’s kind of what aromantic means. It’s like a solid ‘no, never’, you know?”

“But I mean, If I-”

“Not to be a stereotype, but it’s not you; it’s me.”

“I don’t want to be with you.” xe says “Stop asking.”

“Look, I know you had a bad breakup with [X] but I really think we could be good together-”

“I don’t want to be with you, okay! I don’t want it!! Stop trying to make me do something I don’t want to.”

“Do you think you could ever love me?”

“…Nnnno? That’s kind of what aromantic means. It’s like a solid ‘no, never’, you know?”

“But I mean, If I-”

“Not to be a stereotype, but it’s not you; it’s me.”

“I make it a point not to get involved in other peoples’ business,” the asexual said. “But maybe I’ll make an exception. Just this once.”

The spirit beamed.