The siren’s eyes were black and glassy. Very little light reflected off them- more like empty pits than pools of glass.

“Hello,” says the hero chosen by no one “I’m here to help.”

“You’ll drown trying,” warns the siren “but follow me, unwanted one.”

“Why ‘the hero chosen by no one’? Why not ‘the hero chosen by xirself’?”

“Well,” says the hero chosen by no one “Because if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t want me to be the hero, either. But who else is gonna do it?”

“Okay,” says the hero chosen by no one “Shall we?”

“Pretty sure we’re supposed to kill each other,” frowns the enemy chosen by the gods “But sure. How does this work?”

“We’re gonna jump off the cliff and whoever can do the most flips before hitting the water wins.”

The enemy gives xir a look “You are trying to kill me.”

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“You look lonely,” smiles the hero chosen by no one “Want a friend?”

“Fuck,” says the enemy, chosen by the gods “It’s you.”

“I am the hero chosen by no one!” says the hero, who was indeed chosen by no one. If you asked someone who they thought would make a good hero, the answer would probably be ‘anyone but [X]’. Not that [X] is a bad person. Just altogether a little rowdy.

“Radical. I’m the fisherman, chosen by my parents.” says the fisherman “Any chance you’re willing to do me a favour, hero?”

“Sure am!”

“Everything is gone – everyone is dead – ”

“Not everything. Not us. And I need you to pull yourself together if we want to keep it that way.”

“I’m going to kill you,” xe snarls “I’m going to rip you limb from limb!”

“Nah,” says the hero chosen by no one, skipping back “Pretty sure they plan is for you to die, actually.”

(things don’t always go to plan but)

(well, no ones managed to rip the hero’s limbs off yet so)

“Listen here, shitstick,” says the hero chosen by no one threateningly “I am the Hero chosen by-”

“No one. I know who you are.” says the royal guard, sounding exhausted

“Me! I am the hero chosen by me and I say I can pass.” says the hero because whoops there goes lying about being divine for privileges.

“If I let everyone who said they wanted to speak to the Royal Family pass just because they wanted to, I’d be out of a job.”

“Yeah, well I could always,” the hero breaks off and sprints for the castle gate.

“It’s just- you don’t really have the personality for heroism.” says xir friend “You know you’re very- you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean,” frowns the hero chosen by no one “I’m nice! My entire business module is ‘hey! need a favour?’”

“You’re very- brash. And sarcastic. kind of rude. Last week you called the high priestex ‘Old Dude [X]’.”

“Ze’s old.”

“You’re a fool,” says the monster “You are not the Hero chosen by the Goddex. You have no hope against me.”

“I don’t need hope, dipshit!” shouts the hero chosen by no one “I have homicdal rage and a big fucking knife!”