“Anyway, as it turns out I’m not legally allowed to adopt you unless I know your legal identity.” says the villain, holding up a legal pad “So.”
“I’m not taking off my helmet.” says the heros sidekick “And I’m also not going to be adopted by you!”
“Okay, but consider- I’m an excellent parent!” says the villain excitedly “Look at my sidekick!”
The villain’s sidekick is sitting down on the ground, holding xir head with both hands. Xe is Done. What the fuck, [Villain].
“[Hero]’s going to be so pissed I adopted you first, it’s going to be great. Do you like sushi? We could go to Disneyland Tokyo for a weekend to avoid [Hero]’s big temper tantrum.”
“Is [Villain] for real?” asks the hero’s sidekick.
“Yes.” says the villain’s sidekick “Like, distressingly serious. I hope you don’t have parents because you have a new parent and ze is very pushy about being the best.”